Dearest client,
Chinese New Year (CNY) is an incredibly important holiday celebration to the Chinese, and I will not pretend that there aren’t quite a few customs and such that you would typically pick up from experience. As a Chinese person myself, I believe myself to be well-versed in the inner workings of CNY, and as such, I will use my expertise to guide you in your hopeful celebratory survival.
EAT. EVERYTHING. Because CNY is so important, the household will probably cook up a storm filled to the brim with dumplings, fish, and other delicacies only seen before in your wildest dreams. There’ll probably be more than anyone could ever finish in five lifetimes, so there’s no need to worry about looking like an absolute glutton. In fact, the more you eat, the more the family will probably take it as a compliment. Really, the only thing you need to be aware of is to not be the first to eat. Wait until everyone is seated and someone says something about “not holding back on the food anymore,” and then feel free to pick up your chopsticks and shovel everything into your bowl. Make sure you say a couple formalities on how delicious the food is, and dig in.
Bring some form of entertainment. These celebrations usually span themselves over the course of a few hours at least, if not days, and even the most social of butterflies will have trouble maintaining their extroverted face under the pressure of ten Chinese aunts staring you down. Commonly, I’ve found that your phone is your saviour, but many times before I have also seen kids as young as five years old come strolling in with an iPad in their hands. If you’re bringing an electronic device, I recommend you bring a portable charger, as well as your own cable.
Dodge questions like you’re playing a game of dodgeball and your entire reputation depends on the result. Chinese relatives are very talkative, and very judgmental. It’s safer for you to just dodge their prying questions with vague answers than give honest responses. In fact, stay quiet if you can. Even if you do try to uphold a conversation, they’ll probably get bored soon enough and move away to go eat sunflower seeds or clink glasses with another distant relative, so you’re not losing any super valuable connections either way.
I wish you the best as you crawl your way through this exhausting (but delicious!) celebration. When it all gets dark and dreary, do remind yourself that you are not alone in your efforts. We’re in the trenches together, young’un!
Our sincerest regards,
Dear Letterbox
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