a little in the same way for them. However they seem to be extremely close and flirty with a lot of people and I’m scared to commit. What to do?
Dearest client,
I honestly had to debate with myself on whether or not I wanted to answer this question. On one hand, I’ll be able to speak from personal experience and use that to assist in the best way I can, but on the other hand, I’ll be able to speak from personal experience and have to face the entire schtick of commitment issues head-on. I try to be as lighthearted and funny as I can in my responses, but what the hell, it’s the last cycle of this school year. I’ll be deadass for once.
Romance is scary. It really is. Especially when you have difficulty opening up to other people, especially when you’ve got a constant fear of betrayal and/or abandonment looming over your head, especially when you don’t just look before you fall, you inspect every single corner. Even when you know that this person likes you back. Sometimes, because you know that this person likes you back. To say the absolute very least, I can understand your situation and your thoughts/feelings.
I think it’s important to first evaluate how much you even like this person. Hypothetically putting your fears aside, would you want a relationship with this person? Does the idea of a potential romance with this person make you feel happy and giddy and warm inside? Do you really, really like them? These are some examples of sub-questions you can ask yourself to figure out an answer to the main one: is this person worth pushing my fears aside for? Or, at least, are they worth trying for? If your final response to that is no, then I think you have your answer already.
But what happens if you really do like this person? What happens if you would very much want to pursue a relationship with this person, if not for the nagging anxieties in the back of your mind? Your first step is to tell that person how you feel.
I know, I know. Easier said than done, but ultimately it’s the only way you’re going to get anywhere. There’s two results that can come from this: 1) they’ve lost feelings for you, in which case you’ll have to respect that, drop the subject, and start the long and tedious “moving-on” process, or 2) they’re still romantically interested in you.
If it’s the latter, the general step forward would be to pursue a relationship, but there’s nothing wrong with telling them that you don’t think you’re ready for that yet. You don’t have to completely bare your heart open for them, but do give them the decency of explaining that you’d like to wait for a bit and test the waters before becoming official. In this way, you can stay in a limbo of a mutual understanding of each others’ feelings without a hard label on it. You can still be “together” without being dead-set on intimidating titles like “significant other” or “dating.” Think of something like a situationship, except with more communication and understanding of each other, instead of just taking advantage of both parties’ feelings without any real talking about it. Of course, the endgame for this would be an eventual relationship after this “situationship-but-better” helps in pushing down your commitment issues a little bit first, but there’s no need to rush into anything. In fact, it’s probably better if you don’t rush into anything, and give yourself an adequate amount of time to be comfortable with the idea of a relationship and ready to pursue one with this person you like.
The other person might be eager to start dating, especially if they really like you, but they should respect that you’re not yet completely ready for one. If they really do like you, I’m sure that they’ll understand where you’re coming from and agree to test the waters first instead of forcing you to rush into something that you don’t yet completely want.
And if they do try to disregard your feelings and begin a relationship anyway? If they don’t respect your personal space despite being allegedly romantically interested in you? If they try to push you or convince you to go out of your comfort zone even when they explicitly know you aren’t ready for it? Red flag, red flag, red flag. Break it off and wipe the sweat off of your forehead, because that is a bullet dodged, honey.
Our sincerest regards,
Dear Letterbox
Image source: https://soulight.com/articles/A1631093538544